Tired doesn't even explain it

So I started working at bow tie cinema. It's honestly not a bad job. I started last Tuesday and by this upcoming Tuesday I will have worked about 65 hours!!! But I only get min wage which I think is $8.75 but in January it's going to become $9 so that's exciting but still it's going to be a nice check haha. The only thing that sucks is that I don't get paid till after my birthday and I'm not happy about that becasue I have no money to buy drinks. So hopefully goober does for my gift at the bars. But anyways it's honestly fun even though at the end of my shift I wanna cry my feet hurt so bad. But it's nice because I'm always running around so that's calories burned and I don't have to eat during my break...depending on when I have my breaks now I might start walking during them but I'm not sure... I'll decide later. On another note I had a really great day today I had a customer compliment me to my boss which made him really happy because I'm still new today was my 5th day and I already know how to do everything and I can hold down the fort by myself so he doesn't have to watch me or worry if I need help. I mean there are still things I need to learn but I got the basics down.

I haven't been such a good girl lately. I just can't bring money with me because if i do then I buy food I'm now going to try and not eat till after my shift but it depends on when my shift ends so I may even eat before I go to work and just burn my food calories off. I think that's a good move. Once I get my check I may buy cigs. I know it'll be three weeks with out them and I shouldn't start again but they may help me not eat. But I don't want to stink from them. I don't know lots to think about. On a good note though I reached 115lbs on Wednesday and I'm 116lbs as of this morning. I lost some from eating bad the last few days. But if I come up with a solid plan and schedule I should start dropping again.... I want to be atleast 110 by my birthday but i don't know if I can lose 6lbs in 10 days my body doesn't drop that quick. I know I need to drink water instead of soda at work I need to stay hydrated. At least they have coke zero at work it's so yummy and i love it.

So last night I went to lay in bed at 10:30pm but I didn't fall asleep till 3am and then one of my best friends gabby called me at 4:30am. When I talked to her today she didn't remember and she thinks someone put something in her drink because she had one drink and everything got blurred and she blacked out. And let me tell u this girl can drink a shit ton and be completely fine so one drink would be like handing her a glass of water so I feel bad for her. I am happy though that she called me during a time of such vulnerability because to me that shows she was thinking about me and trusts me and I'm one of the people she would call if she needed help. Only thing that sucked about her waking me up was that I had to work at 9am and I had to get up at 7am. Fuck was I tired today. My aunt gave me half of her prescription sleeping pill and I was drowsy kind of for like an hour now I feel nothing. I can't get a break. anyways I will try to keep on posting just been so busy and tired...a schedule will help a lot with everything going on.


Xoxo
Britt<3

Finally finished

So I finished my last final today for this semester. Which I'm so happy about but one of my friends started asking me about it and just mad questions and I was tired so I told him I'm done and don't wanna talk about school. Like hello I just finished I'm finally on break stfu please!!! Eating today was ok I had a bagel with some cream cheese and half a sub from subway. Goober hasn't said anything about me eating which is great and we haven't fought in like two days. Yay! But our last fight he did put a tiny hole in our wall which he's going to fix. I have no idea what I weigh and I can't go home to find out. I feel bad but I do wanna spend as little time as possible with him this break bc I wanna drop weight like no body's business. And I can only do that well when I'm at my aunts bc she doesn't pay attention to what I eat and as long as I have dinner she doesn't question anything. Gah it'll be so nice to finally relax and do what I want almost and to eat as much or as little I can't wait.

On another note I think my ceramics teacher really wants me to continue into level 3.  I'm not very good at it which is confusing but when I walked in for final crit. She asked if I was going to take ceramics 3 which I told her I don't know bc of the classes I still have to take. Then when we were looking at my pieces she said " when you take ceramics 3 we are going to work on cleaning ur edges up" and after when I was doing to leave she asked if I was going to take level three next semester which I told her that I was already taking painting and. 3D design and her response was oh ur going to be busy! Like ahh no! Don't tell me that gah I hate freaking out about art classes. Ik painting is like one of the most expensive art classes at my college so lucky me 😖

I wanted to go home today but goober wanted to stay and drink with friends and I'm so bored and sitting by myself in bed alone while they are blasting music. It wouldn't be so bad if my head didn't hurt so bad. I think I'm going to smoke a cig then a bowl and watch pretty little liars or something and then pass out. I just wanna go home.

Xoxo
Britt<3

Confused

things just aren't the same between me and my boy. He goes from loving me to hating me every few hours. I don't know what to do or if there is anything I want to do about it. I'm not hungry but I eat to keep him from saying anything. We have sex and cuddle but I don't feel it means anything. I'm trying really hard but nothing seems to help. I'm just tired. I'm going to see if being high all the time and not asking to many questions or saying much will do anything good. Maybe just staying out of the way will do some good... I just don't know I just dont

Hopeful

So I was thinking last night that maybe if I eat only around my bf then maybe he'll forget that he wants me to go to the doctor. Of that works yay bc I can restrict well while I'm at my aunts and only have to eat normal amounts of food when he's around. I am hopeful that it will work! Anyways so yesterday wasn't good at all for calories but I think it was needed. I decided to take him out to dinner at the butcher block and it was soo good tbh. I got the prime rib. Probably had to be the best steak I've ever had like I was able to cut it with my fork. Everything there is good and there's an unlimited salad bar which was great I had a huge salad but I also needed to finish my steak even though I felt like I was going to explode. Thing I think are getting better with goober we had sex for a while last night and he was really into it which doesn't happen all the time... Not saying he's never for it of course. We also watch Mickie's once upon a Christmas it's both of ours favorite Christmas movie.

This morning I made a skinny cappuccino it was yummy so I put it in my travel mug and I took a sip and it tasted like there was perfume on it or something it was nasty.  I don't really have much to say today besides I'm tired and in my last class of the semester social psychology woot! Just have a week of finals then I'm done. I need to start working bc I'm so broke and Christmas is only three weeks away. I hope I make atleast 200$ bc then I should be able to get people stuff rn all I have to my name is $100 I'm so screwed haha. Anyways after this class I'm going home smoking a cig then a bowl and hopefully it'll help me get to sleep.

I hope everyone hass great day

Xoxo
Britt<3

Lost?

So since my last post things are we're going ok till my bed went on my Facebook which I don't get how he got into my computer which is password locked soo yeah... There really wasn't anything too bad just at low points in our relationship in 2014 and I had started "talking" to guys but they weren't anything really bad but he got upset. So we faught about that and then I told him I think I have bulimia or that I'm at a slight risk for it and he kind of shut down. He left for two hours so he could take a walk which its fucking cold out so idk if he actually walked or went to the bottom floor in our house...in not sure bc I left to go to my friends who knows everything going on in my life. She helped a lot and still is. God I'm so lucky to have her. But when I got back home he wanted to talk and he was looking for answers I didn't have and I felt bad so I sort of lied I guess or atleast I tried to rationalize what went on to him... But he ended up giving me an ultimatum which was that if I wanted to stay with him then I need to go to a doctor and get help. Which scares me and I feel so numb now like when he touches me I feel like it's not me he's touching like I don't feel it even though I know that he is touching me or kissing me. I really don't wanna be around him and I'm not even sure if I want things to work out. He doesn't understand this could ruin my plan for life and delay what I want. I think he also thinks I just need to see the doctor and then things will be fine and everything will be amazing and I'll thank him for everything he's done. But how can help actually help if I don't want it? I may just bullshit it like I do with every shrink and she'll tell me I'm fine and then there won't be anything for him to worry about. I wish I had never told him... But if I hadn't where would we be now? I just wanna be alone and sleep. I wanna run away from my problems. Drown out my sorrows