Tired doesn't even explain it

So I started working at bow tie cinema. It's honestly not a bad job. I started last Tuesday and by this upcoming Tuesday I will have worked about 65 hours!!! But I only get min wage which I think is $8.75 but in January it's going to become $9 so that's exciting but still it's going to be a nice check haha. The only thing that sucks is that I don't get paid till after my birthday and I'm not happy about that becasue I have no money to buy drinks. So hopefully goober does for my gift at the bars. But anyways it's honestly fun even though at the end of my shift I wanna cry my feet hurt so bad. But it's nice because I'm always running around so that's calories burned and I don't have to eat during my break...depending on when I have my breaks now I might start walking during them but I'm not sure... I'll decide later. On another note I had a really great day today I had a customer compliment me to my boss which made him really happy because I'm still new today was my 5th day and I already know how to do everything and I can hold down the fort by myself so he doesn't have to watch me or worry if I need help. I mean there are still things I need to learn but I got the basics down.

I haven't been such a good girl lately. I just can't bring money with me because if i do then I buy food I'm now going to try and not eat till after my shift but it depends on when my shift ends so I may even eat before I go to work and just burn my food calories off. I think that's a good move. Once I get my check I may buy cigs. I know it'll be three weeks with out them and I shouldn't start again but they may help me not eat. But I don't want to stink from them. I don't know lots to think about. On a good note though I reached 115lbs on Wednesday and I'm 116lbs as of this morning. I lost some from eating bad the last few days. But if I come up with a solid plan and schedule I should start dropping again.... I want to be atleast 110 by my birthday but i don't know if I can lose 6lbs in 10 days my body doesn't drop that quick. I know I need to drink water instead of soda at work I need to stay hydrated. At least they have coke zero at work it's so yummy and i love it.

So last night I went to lay in bed at 10:30pm but I didn't fall asleep till 3am and then one of my best friends gabby called me at 4:30am. When I talked to her today she didn't remember and she thinks someone put something in her drink because she had one drink and everything got blurred and she blacked out. And let me tell u this girl can drink a shit ton and be completely fine so one drink would be like handing her a glass of water so I feel bad for her. I am happy though that she called me during a time of such vulnerability because to me that shows she was thinking about me and trusts me and I'm one of the people she would call if she needed help. Only thing that sucked about her waking me up was that I had to work at 9am and I had to get up at 7am. Fuck was I tired today. My aunt gave me half of her prescription sleeping pill and I was drowsy kind of for like an hour now I feel nothing. I can't get a break. anyways I will try to keep on posting just been so busy and tired...a schedule will help a lot with everything going on.


Xoxo
Britt<3

Finally finished

So I finished my last final today for this semester. Which I'm so happy about but one of my friends started asking me about it and just mad questions and I was tired so I told him I'm done and don't wanna talk about school. Like hello I just finished I'm finally on break stfu please!!! Eating today was ok I had a bagel with some cream cheese and half a sub from subway. Goober hasn't said anything about me eating which is great and we haven't fought in like two days. Yay! But our last fight he did put a tiny hole in our wall which he's going to fix. I have no idea what I weigh and I can't go home to find out. I feel bad but I do wanna spend as little time as possible with him this break bc I wanna drop weight like no body's business. And I can only do that well when I'm at my aunts bc she doesn't pay attention to what I eat and as long as I have dinner she doesn't question anything. Gah it'll be so nice to finally relax and do what I want almost and to eat as much or as little I can't wait.

On another note I think my ceramics teacher really wants me to continue into level 3.  I'm not very good at it which is confusing but when I walked in for final crit. She asked if I was going to take ceramics 3 which I told her I don't know bc of the classes I still have to take. Then when we were looking at my pieces she said " when you take ceramics 3 we are going to work on cleaning ur edges up" and after when I was doing to leave she asked if I was going to take level three next semester which I told her that I was already taking painting and. 3D design and her response was oh ur going to be busy! Like ahh no! Don't tell me that gah I hate freaking out about art classes. Ik painting is like one of the most expensive art classes at my college so lucky me 😖

I wanted to go home today but goober wanted to stay and drink with friends and I'm so bored and sitting by myself in bed alone while they are blasting music. It wouldn't be so bad if my head didn't hurt so bad. I think I'm going to smoke a cig then a bowl and watch pretty little liars or something and then pass out. I just wanna go home.

Xoxo
Britt<3

Confused

things just aren't the same between me and my boy. He goes from loving me to hating me every few hours. I don't know what to do or if there is anything I want to do about it. I'm not hungry but I eat to keep him from saying anything. We have sex and cuddle but I don't feel it means anything. I'm trying really hard but nothing seems to help. I'm just tired. I'm going to see if being high all the time and not asking to many questions or saying much will do anything good. Maybe just staying out of the way will do some good... I just don't know I just dont

Hopeful

So I was thinking last night that maybe if I eat only around my bf then maybe he'll forget that he wants me to go to the doctor. Of that works yay bc I can restrict well while I'm at my aunts and only have to eat normal amounts of food when he's around. I am hopeful that it will work! Anyways so yesterday wasn't good at all for calories but I think it was needed. I decided to take him out to dinner at the butcher block and it was soo good tbh. I got the prime rib. Probably had to be the best steak I've ever had like I was able to cut it with my fork. Everything there is good and there's an unlimited salad bar which was great I had a huge salad but I also needed to finish my steak even though I felt like I was going to explode. Thing I think are getting better with goober we had sex for a while last night and he was really into it which doesn't happen all the time... Not saying he's never for it of course. We also watch Mickie's once upon a Christmas it's both of ours favorite Christmas movie.

This morning I made a skinny cappuccino it was yummy so I put it in my travel mug and I took a sip and it tasted like there was perfume on it or something it was nasty.  I don't really have much to say today besides I'm tired and in my last class of the semester social psychology woot! Just have a week of finals then I'm done. I need to start working bc I'm so broke and Christmas is only three weeks away. I hope I make atleast 200$ bc then I should be able to get people stuff rn all I have to my name is $100 I'm so screwed haha. Anyways after this class I'm going home smoking a cig then a bowl and hopefully it'll help me get to sleep.

I hope everyone hass great day

Xoxo
Britt<3

Lost?

So since my last post things are we're going ok till my bed went on my Facebook which I don't get how he got into my computer which is password locked soo yeah... There really wasn't anything too bad just at low points in our relationship in 2014 and I had started "talking" to guys but they weren't anything really bad but he got upset. So we faught about that and then I told him I think I have bulimia or that I'm at a slight risk for it and he kind of shut down. He left for two hours so he could take a walk which its fucking cold out so idk if he actually walked or went to the bottom floor in our house...in not sure bc I left to go to my friends who knows everything going on in my life. She helped a lot and still is. God I'm so lucky to have her. But when I got back home he wanted to talk and he was looking for answers I didn't have and I felt bad so I sort of lied I guess or atleast I tried to rationalize what went on to him... But he ended up giving me an ultimatum which was that if I wanted to stay with him then I need to go to a doctor and get help. Which scares me and I feel so numb now like when he touches me I feel like it's not me he's touching like I don't feel it even though I know that he is touching me or kissing me. I really don't wanna be around him and I'm not even sure if I want things to work out. He doesn't understand this could ruin my plan for life and delay what I want. I think he also thinks I just need to see the doctor and then things will be fine and everything will be amazing and I'll thank him for everything he's done. But how can help actually help if I don't want it? I may just bullshit it like I do with every shrink and she'll tell me I'm fine and then there won't be anything for him to worry about. I wish I had never told him... But if I hadn't where would we be now? I just wanna be alone and sleep. I wanna run away from my problems. Drown out my sorrows

Woot!!!

So I just wanted to say that I got my first follower today!!! Gah that makes me so happy that someone liked my dribble enough to follow me :) so thank you nasimiyu for making my day!!!

Yesterday was pretty darn amazing and this is going to turn into a tmi post sort of...I won't go into much detai. But anyways the ride from Vermont to my school in New York was pretty good I just ranted to my bf Goober about family and break and such...omg my dad and i also calculated all the child support checks my mother has been cashing and I haven't seen her since I was 5 years old. Total she owes me $117,720 that's a lot of cash and probably only $500 went to me over 18 years yet I'm one of her beloved daughters. Makes me sick to know she gave birth to me. Anyways so the ride up was nice and when we got home he wanted to be naughty which I was all for haha. It was different this time tho typically it's difficult to have sex with him because I wanna know what feels good to him and I wanna do what he wants to do along with what I do but he always says I don't know so sex always just typically feels like we are fucking. This time tho it was so different. We had great communication and I felt like we were really connecting and damn it was so satisfying. After we got high and watched dexter and don't hate me but we are McDonald's it was soo good and I was so high I couldn't help myself. But we cuddled the rest of the day and just spent it together even though his friends/our housemates came home. I don't know I just really enjoyed yesterday.

Today is good so far I'm in class which isn't fun but I guess it's interesting... I'm restarting the SGD. I think that being at school will help me get back into controlling my eating and I have like no real money or campus dinning dollars so I can use that as an excuse to why I'm not eating as much. Plus goober wants to start eating heathy so hopefully more veggies!!!! I love veggies! Not all though just some but quite a few haha.

So far today I've only had a few sips of coffee and I'm currently drinking black tea with skinny girl stevia in it. I've also had my multi vitamin and some meta mucil  so out of 400 calories today I'm at 45. I think I'm going to have a morning star grilled veggie burger and some broccoli with teriyaki sauce... I hope it's yummy but that would put dinner at 160 calories which leaves me with 195 left for the day so I'm not sure if I do or do not want to eat that...I'm going to try not to but I'm not sure how goober is going to be at dinner and how easy it'll be for me to eat what I want....either way I'll stay in my limit as long as I don't munch haha I'll post later how the day goes

Xoxo
Britt<3

Sorry about not updating my post last night I had to much to eat that it wasn't funny and I'm afraid to step on the scale this morning. In other news I'm going back to school today which I'm not excited for because we have this week left of classes and then it's finals week and I have no idea how I'm going to get everything I need to done I really screwed myself over ugh!  I slept so badly last night I feel like all I did was toss and turn. Another thing that sucks about going back to school is I have to leave my family and pets and I love my kitties.
So on Monday I'm starting the SGD but I don't think I wanna eat more then 500 calories today so let's see how much self control I have after like a week of binging. Fingers crossed. So this morning while on MPA I found out there was a site called fantasyfeeder.com or something like that and I went on it and I think I wanna puke now it's just a site about people who love being fat and are trying to get bigger. Good for them for loving their bodies while being so huge but no thanks that's not for me I could never let myself get that big let alone take nudes and put them online... I just realized I lost the back to my earring damn I hate when this happens.... Sorry off topic but yea if you need any motivation to stay on track go on that site it'll help.

Xoxo
Britt<3

Oops

Sorry I seem to have forgotten about my blog. Anyways to recap these past few months I've been away at school which has been fun but also suckish. I just can't wait for the semester to be over!!! This semester was the first one that I've actually been living in the same house as my boyfriend. We have been together for a little over two years now and I say all in all its been pretty good we mostly fight about what we are going to eat for dinner. Typically I make my own dinner since it's nothing he likes but lately he's been wanting us to have the same thing, which makes it hard to stay on my diet because he likes really rich fatty carb loaded food. But on a good note it seems that I haven't gained any weight this semester although I was expecting to be HUGE but I've stayed at about 117lbs woot! I need to get a scale for school because not knowing kills me. Anyways I hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving I would say I did pretty well I mean I ate but I had self control and I left a bite of everything on my plate and when we had pie I only ate the insides of a tiny piece and left most of the pumpkin pie. I started the skinny girl diet Monday but since the holiday and being home I think I'm going to restart it. Only problem is I won't know if I'm loosing anything I mean we have a scale in the locker room but it's one of those really old ones where you have to move the little blocks so it's hard to tell... Maybe I'll start getting into running again that way I can check my weight during that time...hmm things to think about. Anyways I go back to school tomorrow and I have so much work that I don't wanna do. Wish me luck at finishing the semester(2weeks) strong!

Intake today so far is 233 I still have 417 left I'll post my breakdown later tonight.

Xoxo
Britt<3

Two posts in one

Ok so I know that I forgot to post yesterday but that was because my bf was all over me... not in the good way though. So he knows that I've lost a little less than 10 lbs since summer started and yesterday when I was trying to bring up my college bill he saw that I had a blog up about Ana. I don't think that I am exactly Ana but I do find reading other peoples blogs interesting although he would think that's messed up...but I do want to be a psychologist so I feel it would make sense that what these girls have to say is interesting, or at least that's what my excuse is going to be if I ever do have to show him a blog. But anyways after he saw the blog he quickly said he had to go to the bathroom and took his phone. It made me wonder if he was looking up the blog name because later on I was trying to get him to split half a biscotti with me because I really did not want the whole thing. I'm not really into eating sweets because they make my teeth hurt. But anyways his response was there only 100 calories I think you can afford that. Like what the fuck that wasn't even why I wanted to split it.gah! He's also been acting kind of strange he made me drink a beer with him and eat with him today which I wasn't excited about. His mom also watched me eat dinner last night which I thought was really strange maybe she thought I don't eat enough... I hope not because I spend way too much time at their house. 

Today I tried to do something nice and ended up getting locked out of their house by my bfs sister... what happened was she came into the living room where I was reading a book while my bf was at work. The book is ok its called thinandbeautiful.com I had to read up to the 7th chapter to the part where it starts getting semi interesting. Anyways his sister tells me that her new bf is coming over and I assumed that she wanted privacy due to the fact that her parents were not home and that she was in her nightgown and short silk robe. her nightgowns are from Victoria Secret if that tells you anything so to give them privacy I left the house and went for an hour walk, the only reason I was out that long was because I kind of got lost :/ I eventually found my way back to both the front and the garage door locked. Thank god my bf was getting out early that day and I knew the mom was coming home soon. Once the mom got home she felt bad and put a key outside for me incase I ever got locked out again she’s so cute I love her <3 

Oh I think I forgot to mention earlier that I had an interview Monday. It was for charlotte russe. the interview was a group one and the manager talked the entire time and hardly have any of us talk to her which  I thought was strange and most of what she said I felt like they would tell you after they hired you not at the interview. It worked for me since I was so nervous and probably would have stumbled over my words and made a fool of myself. 

Yesterday morning when I weighed myself the scale said 124.? I don’t remember the point haha. seeing 124 really made me upset because I didn’t know what I did wrong since I feel I really didn’t eat that bad I was well within my 500 calorie limit. Anyways I weighed myself again today and it said I was 122.4! I guess I’m just fluctuating way too much and I am basing most of my progress on how my clothes that would get past my thighs are doing as I lose weight. I hope to lose another two pounds this week at least. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I wonder what I weighed last time I went in because I don’t want them to get concerned so early into my diet about how much I've lost but then again I have seen them since January so maybe they won’t pay attention. Wow sorry for the long post!

Monday’s total intake :( went over)

Beef stir fry (260)

Couscous (150) I over counted for this one I’m not sure how much I really had I just know less then this

Strawberries (49)

Had a cornbread mini loaf (47)

Biscotti (100)

Lemonade beer (126)

Skinnygirl popcorn (25)  

 My total intake for calories was 757. Omg that's so much I can’t believe I’m such a fat pig. They should start calling me piggy because that’s exactly what I am I’m a fucking fat disgusting ugly pig!

Today’s total intake:

Potato bread (90)

Egg (90)

Low fat Swiss cheese (25) I had only a small piece

Butter (35)

Broccoli (25)

Chicken noodle soup (200)

So my total intake was 465 and I have 35 left but I feel like I may have miscounted so that’s my buffer for today. I've noticed that I don't get hungry during the day anymore only at night around 5 or 6pm. except for yesterday I hadn't eaten anything past 7 the past few days and I wake up around 10 or 11am so that’s like a 15 hour fast every time right? If so yay! Maybe tomorrow I try a 24 hour fast but I am going to drink tea and a ton of water. We’ll see how that goes... wish me luck!!!

Xoxo 

Britt<3

Eh ok

So today was alright. I spent most of the day with my great aunt shopping. At one point there was this reay old lady like completely bent over in her scooter chair and it was so sad because she couldn't sit up at all. Sadness :(. Tonight I'm spending at my boyfriends currently in the bathroom blogging...anyways  since its Father's Day his family invited me out to dinner and I did really good for intake today but later on my bc gave me a meat ball hey his grandma makes and I wanted to cry I didn't want it so bad but I had to eat it well I actually took the smallest bite swallowed put another piece in my mouth and when he wasn't looking I put it all in a napkin and chucked it. But good news I weighed 122.8 this morning I guess I was bloated before.

Today's intake:
Meta mucil (45)
Buffalo chicken wrap(275)
A couple French fries(76)
Pumpkin spiced coffee latte thing(19)

Calories:415
Fat:13
Carbs:53
Fiber:7
Sugar:11
Protein:25

Overall not too bad i guess no exercise today really but a ton of walking. Anyways time for bed.

Xoxo
Britt<3

buddy?

so while searching online I realized that I wanted a buddy to talk to if you are interested my email is blueeyedandfullofsecrets@gmail.com  feel free to message me and I hope to hear from you soon!

Xoxo

Britt<3

Where to start?

To start off with my name is Brittany and I am 20. I feel like my whole life I've been having battles about my weight. When I was younger I bounced around from living with my nana or my aunt V or my drug addict mom. I was very malnurished. When I was 5 my nana got diagnosed with lung cancer and gave custody to her sister my great aunt who I now call my mom. I currently live with my great aunt and will most likely refer to her as my aunt but anyways. While living with her she helped me get healthy but I was on adderoll until I was in 6th grade so I was always underweight and I never ate anything but dinner. After I was taken off adderoll I started gaining weight which at the time wasn't such a bad thing since I was so small but it wasn't until recently (aka the past two years) that I have started to actually take notice to how much I weigh I am gaining and I feel that is due to how big my older sister Niki is getting. Oh I have 4 older sisters but the one you will most likely hear about is Niki she 22 right now and is closest in age to me and I see her often. When I first met Niki she was amazing now she has just turned into a selfish opinionated cunt! And I don't just throw the C word around. I will back up my accusations about her as things come up. But anyways me and her are alike in how we eat and how we gain weight which scares me because when she was 19 she was 120lbs now she's 170lbs about and she's only 22! At the beginning of summer I was 131lbs and I started to panic because I only had one pair of shorts fit me and I don't have the money to buy new hollister and Abercrombie clothes! Also I have one pair of jeans that fit and I'm stuck to wearing T-shirts just so I can cover up my fat rolls. Ugh so gross! So my current weight is 126lbs I am 5 foot 3 inches Niki is the same height. Every Sunday I will post pictures of my progress. By the end of summer I hope to be  105lbs or less depending on how everything goes. I will also post what I've eaten and calorie count for them and what I weigh that day. I currently am trying to limit myself to 500 calories over the next week or two and if I can then I will lower it to 400 and so on. I plan on drinking a glass before and after each meal and taking sips of water after each bite. I've been counting how many times I chew and like to chew my food 15 times atleast even if it's all chewed up because the more you chew the faster the brain thinks it's full! I also plan on drinking atleast 3 cups of either oolong or green tea everyday and starting tomorrow I will try to burn atleast 400 calories a day! Also no eating from 7:00am to 7:00pm that way everyday I have atleast a 12 hour fast and I think every Wednesday will be my fasting day...seems doable right?

Saturday June 20th intake
Meta mucil (45) with a glass of water
8 fl oz of bai5 Molokai coconut beverage (5)
Couscous (100)
Broccoli (17)
Raw kale(22)
Palak paneer spinach with cottage cheese(45)
Spinach(17)
Two glasses of water so far
Sleepy time tea with 5 drops of liquid stevia (0)

Total intake today:
Calories: 254!
Fat: 4g
Carbs: 54g
Fiber: 9g
Sugar: 13g
Protein: 11g

That means I am 246 calories under my goal intake!!! But let's see how the night goes.

Well wish me luck!

Xoxo

Britt<3